There is an energy crisis in the UK

SO, the cable that brings electricity from France to England has blown, the price of gas has more than doubled and our precious wind turbines are sitting in the North Sea, lifeless and limp like an old man because there is no wind.

Normally we would just start up the coal-fired power plants, but they have been closed so Boris can achieve his goal of carbon neutrality.

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And we haven’t even built our new nuclear power plant because the few eco-loons that are not currently stuck to the M25 are running around the planned vole search site.

Anyone with half a brain could have seen this coming.

That events would inevitably come together to ensure that one day we would have none at all when we nailed our flags to the mast of the green stream.

We are told that power outages are not common. But I wouldn’t be so sure about that.

And I wouldn’t mind either because, to be honest, they were a laugh.

Obviously, these days you wouldn’t have a WiFi router and you couldn’t charge your phone or laptop.

Or your car if you think about it, which means you can’t visit friends who have power.

You also couldn’t go to work because the credit card readers, the cash registers, the robots in the workshop, or the barcode scanners, or your desktop computer weren’t working.

Or one of the devices used by doctors.

The only people who wouldn’t be affected are the forest crazies you see on Countryfile who make a living boiling wood to do chopping.

Tinder would be down too, and even if it were around long enough for you to set up a date, you might not see what he or she looked like.

So yes there would be some downsides, but I’m old enough to remember what happened in the last power outage in 1974 and it wasn’t all bad.

POWER LOSE

Each week the Doncaster Evening Post ran a list of times each village went out of power, and we pinned it to the back of a kitchen cabinet door and used it to plan our lives.

Sometimes we ate at four in the morning and had breakfast in the afternoon, and there was a lot to think about in between.

Do we have enough candles? Do we have batteries for the flashlight? Is there coal for the fire?

My daily job was removing the battery from my father’s Cortina, which we then used to power a small black and white television.

And then away again when the lights came on again.

It was a happy time. Good family times.

Like the early days of lockdown, only with additional darkness.

And pneumoconiosis.

This time, I’ll probably be even happier because I know the whole country will be full of grumpy kids staring at their dead phones and thinking, “Well, if it’s this way to be carbon neutral, can we open that up? coal mines again? “

Funny, isn’t it, that the 1974 blackouts were caused because we had too much coal and the next ones are coming because we don’t have enough.

So, as in all things, a steady course in the middle is the best solution.

We should go green, but carefully – not in a big, crazy, panicked rush.

Busy female stars don’t need an agent

DANIEL CRAIG, who is stepping down as 007, says the role of James Bond shouldn’t be given to a woman.

Instead, women should be offered better and bigger roles in other films.

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For real? What is he talking about here? Anger street? Hancock? Prometheus? Atomic blonde?

Or is it all about all those power women films that don’t include Charlize Theron?

Like Alien and Red Sparrow (with Jennifer Lawrence) and Black Panther and The Danish Girl and Erin Brockovich and Captain Marvel and The Hunger Games and The Last Jedi and Legally Blonde and Gravity and Ocean’s 8 and Fargo and The Sound Of Music and Mamma Mia!

And those are only those that come to mind spontaneously.

Inject into a hat

I never really wanted to go skydiving.

The idea of ​​jumping out of a fully functional airplane has absolutely no appeal.

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I prefer James May’s sack.

In fact, I’ve always thought that people who go skydiving for fun might have a screw loose, and this week it occurred to me that they do.

Because I saw a crowd of them drifting to the ground under their large silk handkerchiefs and they were all wearing helmets.

Why? Because if you hit the ground at 200 mph, a bit of plastic around your head will make absolutely no difference how dead you are.

Bright or false

A MAN named Lord Rees calls for less light pollution and says stadiums are a notable culprit.

Well, when they are lit at night, they create a lot of glare, which means that nearby telescope enthusiasts cannot see the Milky Way.

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But what is the alternative?

Ask Messrs Salah and Ronaldo to fumble around in the dark?

My Suzi beats them all

For the past year I have been trying to find a no-frills car that could do all of the dirty work on my farm.

Recall. Wear. Transporting sheep. Carry log. Fert spread. A real workhorse.

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I’ve tried the new Land Rover Defender, but it’s too expensive and, I’m afraid, too fragile.

I’ve tried all of the pick-up trucks, but they’re too big to get through the woods.

I looked at the Fiat Panda 4×4 and the various offers from Volvo and was about to give up when Suzuki sent its new Jimny around.

It’s sturdy and reliable and practical and looks very good.

Plus, it’s lightweight and has a low-range gearbox making it almost impossible to get stuck on.

And best of all: It costs less than 17,000 euros.

Since I’m from Yorkshire and this is the best value on this side of a copy of The Sun or a Happy Meal from McDonald’s, I bought one straight away.

The only problem is, everyone on the farm is enjoying it so much that I haven’t gotten in yet.

Fool beans

Let me get that straight.

A 42-year-old woman was hospitalized in Stoke with pneumonia and received first-class medical care – for free – until she was on the way to recovery.

And now she’s complaining because she got a plate of beans and a box of apple juice for lunch.

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What did she expect? A lobster thermidor? With a nice glass of Chablis?

It’s the NHS, for heaven’s sake. Not Claridges.

No wonder she wants to remain nameless.